Beauty for Ashes: Understanding God’s Purpose in the Heartache of Death or Divorce

“And the husband and wife will be joined as one flesh, and after that, they no longer exist as two, but one flesh.” – Mark 10:8 (TPT)

For many of us, this verse, or a version of it, was read on our wedding day. With great conviction, the minister likely followed it with the next verse: “So there you have it, what God has joined together, no one has the right to split apart.” – Mark 10:9 (TPT).

But then it happened.

Perhaps God, in His sovereign wisdom, separated you and your spouse through death. Or maybe circumstances, heartbreakingly painful ones, led to the split through divorce. Regardless of the reason, the pain can feel suffocating—like you are forever trying to breathe with cotton in your lungs.

How do I know? Because I’ve walked closely with those who’ve endured this kind of loss.

As a child, I witnessed firsthand the trauma caused by multiple divorces in my family. As an adult, I married a man who lost his first wife unexpectedly at the young age of 29. Together, we walked through the waves of his grief, even years into our own marriage. I’ve seen the devastation, the questions, and the yearning for answers that can only come from God.

The Similarities and Differences of Losing a Spouse to Death or Divorce

The pain of losing a spouse—whether through death or divorce—comes with both shared and unique challenges. Understanding these can help you process your grief and take the first steps toward healing.

The Similarities

• Your identity shifts in profound ways.

• Financial strain or uncertainty may arise.

• You find yourself unexpectedly single.

• Loneliness becomes a new, unwelcome companion.

• Your friendship circles shift, and attending events alone may feel daunting.

The Differences

• Death: Often met with respect and legitimacy, regardless of the marriage’s quality.

• Divorce: Frequently accompanied by the pain of rejection, especially if infidelity or betrayal was involved.

• Death: Closure, while difficult, comes sooner.

• Divorce: Emotional closure may remain elusive as you navigate legal battles over property, finances, or custody of children.

The Bigger Questions

No matter how your loss occurred, you may find yourself asking:

• Who am I now?

• Where do I go from here?

• Why did God allow this to happen?

• What regrets do I carry, and how do I reconcile what I cannot fix?

These questions are natural. Grief, whether caused by death or divorce, forces us to examine our identity, our purpose, and our relationship with God.

Psalm 139:16 reminds us: “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” God knew this season of loss would come. He is not surprised by your pain, nor is He absent in it. So the real question becomes: What is His purpose for me in this season?

Coping with Loss: Finding Beauty in the Ashes

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a renowned psychologist, explained in her groundbreaking work on grief that healing comes in waves. She emphasized that while grief feels all-encompassing, it does not define the entirety of your life. It is a season—a painful one—but not the final chapter.

Lysa TerKeurst, in her book When God Interrupts, writes:

“God loves us too much to leave us in our comfort zones. His interruptions are often His way of reshaping us into something stronger, something better prepared for His purpose.”

Could it be that your loss, as devastating as it is, is God’s way of reshaping you? This season of heartbreak may be His invitation to draw closer to Him, to redefine your purpose, and to discover a deeper reliance on His strength.

Practical Steps Toward Healing

1. Lean Into God’s Word

Scripture offers comfort and direction. Spend time daily in prayer and Bible study, asking God to reveal His purpose for this season of your life.

2. Seek Support

Consider joining a grief support group, such as the one you’re reading about here. Connecting with others who understand your pain can provide encouragement and hope.

3. Reflect and Reassess

Take time to journal about your feelings and your journey. What lessons is God teaching you through this loss?

4. Prioritize Your Health

Grief affects not only your heart but also your body. Make time for rest, nourishment, and gentle exercise. If needed, consult a therapist or counselor for additional support.

A Call to Purpose

As you move through this season of grief, remember that God’s purpose for your life did not end with your marriage. Whether you are grieving the loss of a spouse through death or divorce, He is calling you to something greater.

Take the next step, no matter how small, to seek God’s kingdom purpose for your life. In doing so, you will find healing, restoration, and perhaps even beauty in the ashes.

“Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you as well.” – Matthew 6:33